Sunday, July 25, 2010

Bachelor Object Migration

Allow me to explain to you girls the concept of Bachelor Object Migration or BOM.

You see, BOM, is based on the principle that any new object entering a bachelor's life musn't be rushed or accelerated into that bachelor's life. That it has to be acclimated, going through various stages, before it find it's rightful place in the bachelor pad. This can range from any object be it a car or something as simple as food, but again, key is to take your time and make sure that object is neither rushed, nor hurried into the bachelor life.

The first stage of BOM is the contemplation stage. In this stage life tells the bachelor, subtly, that he needs something. For example boxer shorts. Life, over the course of time, wears down the bachelor's boxer shorts to the point they have holes, are thread bare and are about to lose all function. And as the bachelor does laundry or goes to the bathroom he notices this in his boxer shorts and comes up with a great epiphany;

"I think I might have to get some new boxer shorts this year."

Now understand that was just the contemplation stage. The bachelor is sensing a need and is contemplating filling it. But it will not manifest itself into action until the Need Stage.

The need stage is where the bachelor obviously needs this object. His boxer shorts are in disrepair, he has NO food in the fridge, or is in desperate need of some kind of surgery. But the key defining trait of this stage is where the bachelor realizes he "needs" it, typically notated when the bachelor says to himself;

"Wow, I need to get some new boxer shorts."

Then comes the procrastination stage.

Yes, he "needs" it, but would he really be a bachelor if he immediate ran out and got it? That's what girls do. That's what married folk do. They have a need and then they call their spouse and tell them to "pick it up on the way home." Whereas the bachelor has the skills of procrastination. Bachelors are gifted creatures, able to find quick fixes to needs. The bachelor may cut his long pajamas, made of the same boxer material and convert them into boxers. The bachelor may just suffer with the now shredded boxers perhaps hemming them with a bit duct tape. The bachelor, though in desperate need of food will simply go to the bar or substitute it with a substitute food such as beer or whiskey. It is these skills that a bachelor makes.

Sadly, however, even the most gifted bachelors have to inevitably break down and go and buy the objects the need for survival. This is a low point in the bachelor's life in that they now have to "do" something that is outside of work, video games, drinking, scoring with chicks and play. They have to do a "chore" and you can tell when they are at this stage as they are usually depressed. Head hung low and not smiling. Regardless, they man up, grab a pen, and put together a "To Do List." This is the "To Do List" Stage of BOM.

Understand the to do list will not just be that one item. Here the bachelor embarks one what is the closest he will come to life planning. And aside from "get new boxer shorts" he will list other things so as not to make his life sound so dull;

1. Get new boxer shorts
2. Buy Ferrari
3. Take over Goldman Sachs by borrowing TARP money
4. Date Jennifer Aniston
5. Fly F-16 Fighter plane
6. Retire in the Bahama's with a harem of honeys managed by Jennifer Aniston
7. Have weekly bikini wrestling to decide who gets to date me that week

With the completed to do list in hand we now move onto the "purchase stage."

The purchase stage is where the bachelor is willing and able to buy the object. He has psychologically prepared himself and admitted that it is just a fact of life he needs new boxer shorts, and is the only thing holding him back from achieving his other objectives on his to do list. However, the purchase stage is regulated by one thing; "the right turn."

The bachelor is an efficient creature you must understand. Expending minimal amounts of effort for maximum gain. Ergo when purchasing items, the bachelor will only purchase the items if the store is on the right side of the road thereby requiring a right turn and thereby avoiding a left turn. If you need gas, yes, the "closest" gas station may be a mile away, but if it's on the left side of the road, this requires a left turn. A turn that can last 14 days. Many bachelors as we speak are still stuck behind some SUV driving soccer mom, who hasn't realized the green arrow means go. Ergo, even if the closest gas station is a mile away, because it is on the left side of the road, the bachelor will drive the next 50 miles on fumes to the closest gas station on the RIGHT side of the road. The same applies to boxer shorts or any other purchase that is necessary. The bachelor will not engage in the purchase stage unless the store is on the right side of the road (British bachelors engage in the opposite practice).

The bachelor enters the store, returns with the purchase in hand, throws it into the car which starts our next stage; the "Leave It in the Car Stage."

Satisfied he has done the majority of the work, the bachelor now has no guilt or psychological pressure to continue completing the chore. As far as the bachelor is concerned, he has completed his task and can now go about his bachelor activities. Notice the "To Do List" said, "Get boxer shorts." Not "wear new boxer shorts." Triumphantly he returns to his home, smug look on his face, goes into the house, opens a beer and promptly plays Call of Duty 5.

The leave it in the car stage can last anywhere from a week to a year depending on the object. If the object was say, ice cream, and it is December in Minnesota, that ice cream can stay in the trunk of the car, and thus the "leave it in the car stage," for at least 3 months. Sometimes the psychological trauma of having to run an errand and buy something is so devastating, the bachelor purges the experience completely from his mind, forgetting he purchased an object and it is in the car. Not until the bachelor has a date and is forced to clean out the car does he discover object, at which time he heralds great efficiency because it "saved" him the trip to the store he through he still had to take.

Regardless, the boxers, now nothing but strings inevitably prompt the bachelor to bring the object from the car into the house. This is a relatively short lived stage known as the "move it into the house" stage. However, the house is nothing more than a really big, immobile car. And like the car the object can stay in the house without ever really being used. Typically it begins this stage by starting on the desk or the floor, a large flat area the bachelor usually tosses stuff for general assortment later, only to be disturbed by the biennial bachelor pad cleaning. This is an important part of the process as the new object or objects, must become acclimated to all the other objects in the bachelor pad. From there it advances to the floor that it's supposed to be on. For example my dresser, and thus the boxers, are on the 2nd floor, requiring a simple toss of the boxers up the flight of stairs where they land near the vicinity of the dresser. As long as they're in the vicinity of where they're supposed to be, in the bachelor's mind that's "put away." Typically females, be they moms, sisters, friends or femme fatales, will protest it is "not put away" "lying there on the floor." This requires the bachelor to explain to them the concept of "put away good enough," which usually results in rolling eyes.

With order now in the bachelor household, now begins the unpacking/assembling stage. Some objects such as boxers you unpack. Others, such as entertainment systems you assemble. Again, here you do not want to rush them, unless they are related to the entertainment system or consist of electronics. But for the most part there is no need to unpack them right away. I mean, come on, you WENT to the store, you PURCHASED them, you brought them back HOME, you brought them INTO THE HOUSE, you PUT THEM AWAY GOOD ENOUGH, and now you have to rush and unpack? Be a bachelor, leave them in their original wrapping.

And finally comes the use stage. After a long and difficult struggle to acquire, transport and put away good enough the objects, now comes the time to actually use them. In total the whole BOM process can take anywhere from 1 week to 1 year, but now the bachelor finally gets to enjoy using the objects. Of course, criticism is laid upon us, primarily by those of the female persuasion, that this is nothing more than procrastination. However, they do not realize the merits of BOM. First, the order and balance of the bachelor pad was not disturbed by rushing in new objects. Who knows what chaos would have ensued if those boxer shorts were haphazardly purchased the day of need and worn the very next? The house could have collapsed or caught on fire. The orderly, deliberate process of BOM prevent that from occurring. Second, the bachelor expended the minimum amount of effort to bring objects into the house. Following the right turn principle and efficient space management through the use of his car, the bachelor has freed up additional time to be spent on video games and football...I mean his "girlfriend." Third, the bachelor maintains order in his household as the BOM process ensures all objects are put away good enough where they belong. And finally, the bachelor ensures a frugal lifestyle, purchasing only what he needs and not racking up credit card bills that he'll inevitably ask daddy to pay for. It are these benefits that make BOM an essential part of bachelorhood management and a vital tool for bachelors everywhere.

19 comments:

Hot Sam said...

It once took me two years to buy a wristwatch. I had the exact watch I wanted in mind, and I didn't buy one until I found it. Actually, I didn't find the exact watch - I had to change the wristband. It didn't matter if the watch cost me $30 or $300, as long as it was exactly what I wanted.

Women don't understand that men have a well thought-out and efficient process in mind for every decision, including the route we choose to drive to a location.

Life doesn't give us problems. It gives us puzzles to be solved. Women don't understand that either. I'm trying to teach my wife to recognize the "puzzle solving" look on my face. She's slowly grasping the difference between an actual question and a rhetorical "puzzle solving" question.

Anonymous said...

This post made my day!

CBMTTek said...

As a counterpoint, I would like to outline the female equivalent of the BOM.

That is the I Might Return It (IMRI) process.

Women, single, married, divorced, whatever, skip right over the first several stages of the BOM, and jump right into the needs stage. Does not matter if they really need it or not, they NEED it.

Then they skip the procrastination stage, the right turn stage, etc... and go into the shopping stage. That stage can last anywhere from an hour to several years. Regardless, they will come home with something. There is only about a 30% chance that something will be what they went shopping for in the first place, but it will be something.

That something will be removed from the bag in the car, or potentially on the way to the car. This is part of the real light stage. As in "I want to see what it looks like in the real light."

When the item gets home, the real light stage is followed by the shoes stage. It must be tried on with the correct shoes.

If everything looks OK with the correct shoes, then we enter the longest and most tedious of the phases. The Fermenting phase. Fermenting is the process where the newly acquired object is left hanging in the closet with store tags attached for as long as the return policy allows. On, or as close as possible to the last legal return date, the object is brought back to the store for a full refund.

Which is then spent on another item, which reinitializes the process.

Anonymous said...

The top of the dryer is "put away enough" for most of my clothes.

Polo shirts, t-shirts and pants are folded. Socks and underwear are piled.

Alex said...

Brilliant :) My "leave it in the car stage" for a few dozen items has stretched out for quite a while due a dearth of dates. It's getting to the point where pretty soon I'll either have to find some time for a date, or buy a new car.

Anonymous said...

This post is Made of Win. As I was reading it was mentally reviewing the equivalent places and objects that I have purchased, and their status in the long process of integrating them into the bachelor's house. Stuff comes in from the car and gets put on the table next to my computer desk, eventually to be moved to another location in the house if I happen to pick it up on my way there for some other purpose.

Michael Ryan said...

I'm not sure why you consider this a "bachelorhood" thing. Married men can do the same.

Or, the reverse. I recently wanted to go to the store to buy, yes, boxer shorts, and the wife decided to tag along. I walked straight to the rack, found the correct size, took the package, paid for it, and walked out. Time elapsed - about 4 minutes. The wife was miffed. She thought we were going "shopping".

Anonymous said...

http://www.sinfest.net/archive_page.php?comicID=1509


'nuff said

Anonymous said...

It is good to be a man.

Anonymous said...

great post!! I FINALLY did laundry last weekend, and I see nothing wrong with dumping the whites on the bed, shoving them over to one side and staying there for a few days...putting all that stuff away is such a chore...

Andrew L said...

Real bachelors go commando.

Anonymous said...

Oh, I just did laundry.

On Christmas morning.

But, you see, I have a party I might go to tonight. Maybe. Don't really want to, but I might be able to do some networking if I'm sly enough about it. Most of the people there are going to be about fifteen years older than me.

So I've been needing to do this laundry for the last, oh, 13 weeks. Now I have clean clothes, which is amazing, considering that I've been wearing the same clothes for the last month or so. Not rotating -- I mean, the same clothes. Amazing no one made me change them...really amazing.

I've even taken half of them (the clean clothes) out of the bags I carried them in from the laundry. Not in the car, though that might only be because I don't have one.

This is called efficiency.

Anonymous said...

How long would you leave Jennifer Aniston in the Ferrari?

Anonymous said...

Exactly! Here's another example. For Christmas I received several new pairs of slacks and shirts to go with them. My wardrobe definitely needed them as most of my clothes either are just plain worn out or don't fit.

So here's how it will go down from here -

They will sit on a chair until I'm ready to try them on. It may be a week or a month or even longer, but nothing will happen to them until my mind says "This is the time".

I will then try them on. If they fit, they will go in the wash and after the wash has been done (typically within a week) they will go on hangers and into the closet.

Now, they will stay in the closet on the hangers for an indeterminate time - when I'm ready, perhaps when I have all my clothes in the wash or I managed to ruin a pair of slacks, I'll actually wear one (and only one) outfit of the new stuff.

The others will wait until their time eventually comes, which could be as long as a year. In some cases, there may never make the cut to be worn, especially if I don't like the color or some other thing like it doesn't have a pocket in the shirt.

If they don't fit, it may be a month, or 6 months or never before I have my wife take them back and exchange for ones that do fit.

I think some of this comes from a mental stance that new stuff doesn't come into my life until the old stuff is worn out, used up, broken and unfixable or otherwise kaput. It's not a fashion, or style, or it's better statement - new stuff is allowed in only after the old has proven to be unserviceable.

wormlynn said...

At one point in my life, you could say I, a woman, went through the bachelor Stage, I would wash my laundry, bring home school books, shopping items and just throw them on my bed and sleep with them for weeks! Now that I have grown up a bit, I am rather frustrated when I ask my husband to put away the laundry and it ends up in one of two places, hiding on the floor of his closet for weeks until I hunt down my missing pants, or in a huge pile by the window on his side of the bed! I must admit, even though I used to do similar things, I just don't get it now!
And I suffer from the hide shopping items in my closet until I think it is safe to wear them infront of my husband stage right now.

she said: said...

Um.... really?

I know this will shake up your world view like a snow globe being tossed down the stairs - but, you know that amazon will just ship that crap to you for free. Right to your door step.? Where the box can lay unopened.

I know you just wanted to talk to us about your ball ticks. (That is what it looks like when dudes never replace their under-ware and their junk starts seeping out of the holes) but, really - it's just under-wear.

Anonymous said...

"Third, the bachelor maintains order in his household as the BOM process ensures all objects are put away good enough where they belong."

Hahahahahaha!!! This was such an awesome post!! Thank you for the laugh.

I use the same method myself. Now I understand why one of my friends in Portland said even though I was a girl, he could only describe my apartment as the most comfortable bachelor pad he'd ever been in (albeit with too many books, a definite weakness for me).

Anonymous said...

@she

It's "underwear." Just for the record.

The Original Hermit said...

"I'm not sure why you consider this a "bachelorhood" thing. Married men can do the same."

My boxers had been slowly growing holes for quite a while. Just 3 weeks ago, I was still in the contemplation stage, but my wife moved on to the "buy" stage without me. I wasn't quite ready for them, so I opened them and threw them in the garage, in the general direction of the laundry pile. By the time they appeared in the dresser, I had come to terms with their arrival. All was well with the world.

That kind of thing happens a lot when you're married. You're still in BOM mode, but for better or worse, she just bypasses the whole process.